Vulgar words in The Humorous Poetry of the English Language; from Chaucer to Saxe (Page 1)
This book at a glance
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~ ~ ~ Sentence 59 ~ ~ ~
To Fine Grand " Brainhardy " Doctor Empiric " Sir Samuel Fuller On Banks, the Usurer " Chevril the Lawyer Epigrammatic Verses by Samuel Butler Opinion Critics Hypocrisy Polish The Godly Piety Poets Puffing Politicians Fear The Law " " " " Confession Smatterers Bad Writers The Opinionative Language of the Learned Good Writing Courtiers Inventions Logicians Laborious Writers On a Club of Sots Holland Women Epigrams of Edmund Waller On a Painted Lady On the Marriage of the Dwarfs Epigrams of Matthew Prior A Simile The Flies Phillis's Age To the Duke de Noailles On Bishop Atterbury Forma Bonum Fragile Earning a Dinner Bibo and Charon The Pedant Epigrams of Joseph Addison The Countess of Manchester To an Ill-favored Lady To a Capricious Friend To a Rogue Epigrams of Alexander Pope On Mrs. Tofts To a Blockhead The Fool and the Poet Epigrams of Dean Swift On Burning a Dull Poem To a Lady The Cudgeled Husband On seeing Verses written upon Windows at Inns On seeing the Busts of Newton, Looke, etc.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 129 ~ ~ ~
But here's the mischief--man's an ass, I say; Too fond of thunder, lightning, storm, and rain; He hides the charming, cheerful ray That spreads a smile o'er hill and plain!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 869 ~ ~ ~
The mother was distracted, raving, wild-- Shrieked, tore her hair, embraced and kissed her child-- Afflicted every heart with grief around: Soon as the shower of tears was somewhat past, And moderately calm th' hysteric blast, She cast about her eyes in thought profound And being with a saving knowledge blessed, She thus the playhouse manager addressed: "Sher, I'm de moder of de poor Chew lad, Dat meet mishfartin here so bad-- Sher, I muss haf de shilling back, you know, Ass Moses haf not see de show."
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,173 ~ ~ ~
Twitching his visage into as many puckers As damsels wont to put into their tuckers (Ere liberal Fashion damn'd both lace and lawn, And bade the vail of modesty be drawn), Replied the Frenchman, after a brief pause, "Jean Bool!--I vas not know him--yes, I vas-- I vas remember dat, von year or two, I saw him at von place call'd Vaterloo-- Ma foi!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,175 ~ ~ ~
But den he had wit him one damn son-gun, Rogue I no like--dey call him Vellington."
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,574 ~ ~ ~
And now, my good friends, I've a fine opportunity To obfuscate you all by sea terms with impunity, And talking of "calking," And "quarter-deck walking," "Fore and aft," And "abaft," "Hookers," "barkeys," and "craft," (At which Mr. Poole has so wickedly laughed), Of binnacles--bilboes--the boom call'd the spanker, The best bower-cable--the jib--and sheet-anchor; Of lower-deck guns--and of broadsides and chases, Of taffrails and topsails, and splicing main-braces, And "Shiver my timbers!" and other odd phrases Employ'd by old pilots, with hard-featured faces;-- Of the expletives sea-faring Gentlemen use, The allusions they make to the eyes of their crews;-- How the Sailors, too, swear, How they cherish their hair, And what very long pigtails a great many wear.-- But, Reader, I scorn it--the fact is, I fear, To be candid, I can't make these matters so clear As Marryat, or Cooper, or Captain Chamier, Or Sir E. Lytton Bulwer, who brought up the rear Of the "Nauticals," just at the end of the year Eighteen thirty-nine--(how Time flies!--Oh, dear!)
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,589 ~ ~ ~
Now just such a mess of delicious hot pottage Was smoking away when they enter'd the cottage, And casting a truly delicious perfume Through the whole of an ugly ill-furnish'd room; "Hot, smoking hot," On the fire was a pot Well replenish'd, but really I can't say with what; For, famed as the French always are for ragouts, No creature can tell what they put in their stews, Whether bull-frogs, old gloves, or old wigs, or old shoes Notwithstanding, when offer'd I rarely refuse, Any more than poor Blogg did, when seeing the reeky Repast placed before him, scarce able to speak, he In ecstasy mutter'd, "By Jove, Cocky-leeky!"
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,824 ~ ~ ~
"Heavens, what an ass!"
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,842 ~ ~ ~
'Tis they maintain the Church and State, Employ the priest and magistrate; Bear all the charge of government, And pay the public fines and rent; Defray all taxes and excises, And impositions of all prices; Bear all th' expense of peace and war, And pay the pulpit and the bar; Maintain all churches and religions, And give their pastors exhibitions; And those who have the greatest flocks Are primitive and orthodox; Support all schismatics and sects, And pay them for tormenting texts; Take all their doctrines off their hands, And pay 'em in good rents and lands; Discharge all costly offices, The doctor's and the lawyer's fees, The hangman's wages, and the scores Of caterpillar bawds and whores; Discharge all damages and costs Of Knights and Squires of the Post; All statesmen, cut-purses, and padders, And pay for all their ropes and ladders; All pettifoggers, and all sorts Of markets, churches, and of courts; All sums of money paid or spent, With all the charges incident, Laid out, or thrown away, or given To purchase this world, Hell or Heaven.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,033 ~ ~ ~
A country bumpkin the great offer heard: Poor Hodge, who suffered by a broad black beard, That seemed a shoe-brush stuck beneath his nose; With cheerfulness the eighteen-pence he paid, And proudly to himself, in whispers, said, "This rascal stole the razors, I suppose.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,146 ~ ~ ~
The verger met them in his blue silk gown, And humbly bowed his neck with reverence down, Low as an ass to lick a lock of hay: Looking the frightened verger through and through, And with his eye-glass--"Well, sir, who are you?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,202 ~ ~ ~
Hath some poor blockhead got a wife, To be the torment of his life, By one eternal yell-- The fellow cries out coarsely, "Zounds, I'd give this moment twenty pounds To see the jade in hell."
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,207 ~ ~ ~
So, Satan--if I ask thy aid, To give my arms the blooming maid, I will not, though the nation all, Proclaim thee (like a gracless imp) A vile old good-for-nothing pimp, But say, "'Tis thy vocation, Hal."
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,218 ~ ~ ~
To praise the bridge o'er which we pass Yet often I discover A numerous band who daily make An easy bridge of thy poor back, And damn it when they 're over.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,271 ~ ~ ~
What answer Mary gave the wheedling sinner, Who nearly and more nearly moved to win her, The mouth of history doth not mention, And therefore I can't tell but by invention, One day, as he was making love and praying, And pious Aves, thick as herring, saying, And sins so manifold confessing; He drew, as if to whisper, very near, And twitched a pretty diamond from her ear, Instead of taking the good lady's blessing.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,484 ~ ~ ~
And whoever shall say that to Porson These best of all verses belong, He is an untruth-telling whore-son, And so shall be call'd in the song.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,496 ~ ~ ~
Meanwhile, the Friar, whose head was turn'd By the laced coat, grew frisky too-- Look'd big--his former habits spurn'd-- And storm'd about as great men do-- Dealt much in pompous oaths and curses-- Said "Damn you," often, or as bad-- Laid claim to other people's purses-- In short, grew either knave or mad.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,582 ~ ~ ~
between you and I, It's as well for my peace that there's nobody nigh To make love to me then--YOU'VE a soul, and can judge What a crisis 't would be for your friend Biddy Fudge!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,732 ~ ~ ~
Parties below, and parties above, Some making tea, and some making love.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,933 ~ ~ ~
Once on a time a certain English lass Was seized with symptoms of such deep decline, Cough, hectic flushes, every evil sign, That, as their wont is at such desperate pass, The doctors gave her over--to an ass.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,319 ~ ~ ~
although you must Through this ordeal pass, You will not be, I hope--I trust-- A wholly senseless ass.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,716 ~ ~ ~
in the bottom of a well, Questions are then the windlass and the rope That pull the grave old gentlewoman up: Damn jokes then, and unmannerly suggestions, Reflecting upon kings for asking questions.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,736 ~ ~ ~
It was not age that bade the man of beer The proffered honor of the monarch shun: The tale of Margaret's knife, and royal fright, Had almost made him damn the NAME of knight, A tale that farrowed such a world of fun.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 4,032 ~ ~ ~
the check-taker moody silence breaks, And bawling "Pit full!" gives the checks he takes; Yet onward still the gathering numbers cram, Contending crowders shout the frequent damn, And all is bustle, squeeze, row, jabbering, and jam.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 4,729 ~ ~ ~
(KNOCKS UP AGAINST MEADOWS, WHO EXIT).
~ ~ ~ Sentence 4,731 ~ ~ ~
the bonny--(A PASSENGER KNOCKS UP AGAINST THE BLIND VOCALIST ON THE OTHER SIDE).
~ ~ ~ Sentence 5,225 ~ ~ ~
Striped Zebra--Onager Calcitrant--Common Ass, And I--and all were there!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 5,355 ~ ~ ~
or that race Lower than Horses, but with longer ears And less intelligence-- In fact--"EQUI ASINI," Or in vernacular JACKASSES?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 5,819 ~ ~ ~
Keep thyself there, and think thy valor right, He that dares damn himself, dares more than fight.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 5,961 ~ ~ ~
TO A BLOCKHEAD.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 5,967 ~ ~ ~
An ass's hoof alone can hold That poisonous juice, which kills by cold.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 5,968 ~ ~ ~
Methought when I this poem read, No vessel but an ass's head Such frigid fustian could contain; I mean the head without the brain.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 6,009 ~ ~ ~
All folks who pretend to religion and grace, Allow there's a HELL, but dispute of the place: But if HELL may by logical rules be defined The place of the damn'd--I'll tell you my mind.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 6,010 ~ ~ ~
Wherever the damn'd do chiefly abound, Most certainly there is HELL to be found: Damn'd poets, damn'd critics, damn'd blockheads, damn'd knaves; Damn'd senators bribed, damn'd prostitute slaves; Damn'd lawyers and judges, damn'd lords and damn'd squires; Damn'd spies and informers, damn'd friends and damn'd liars; Damn'd villains, corrupted in every station; Dama'd time-serving priests all over the nation; And into the bargain I'll readily give you Damn'd ignorant prelates, and councillors privy.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 6,011 ~ ~ ~
Then let us no longer by parsons be flamm'd, For we know by these marks the place of the damn'd: And HELL to be sure is at Paris or Rome.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 6,017 ~ ~ ~
While each pale sinner hung his head, Jove, nodding, shook the heavens, and said: "Offending race of human kind, By nature, reason, learning, blind; You who, through frailty, stepp'd aside; And you, who never fell from pride: You who in different sects were shamm'd, And come to see each other damn'd; (So some folk told you, but they knew No more of Jove's designs than you); --The world's mad business now is o'er, And I resent these pranks no more.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 6,018 ~ ~ ~
--I to such blockheads set my wit!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 6,019 ~ ~ ~
I damn such fools!--Go, go, you're bit."
~ ~ ~ Sentence 6,093 ~ ~ ~
Here rest the relics of a friend below, Blest with more sense than half the folks I know: Fond of his ease, and to no parties prone, He damn'd no sect, but calmly gnaw'd his bone; Perform'd his functions well in ev'ry way- Blush, CHRISTIANS, if you can, and copy Tray.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 6,124 ~ ~ ~
Earth'd up here lies an imp o' hell, Planted by Satan's dibble-- Poor silly wretch, he's damn'd himsel' To save the Lord the trouble.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 6,136 ~ ~ ~
Young Stirps as any lord is proud, Vain, haughty, insolent, and loud, Games, drinks, and in the full career Of vice, may vie with any peer; Seduces daughters, wives, and mothers, Spends his own cash, and that of others, Pays like a lord--that is to say, He never condescends to pay, But bangs his creditor in requital-- And yet this blockhead wants a title!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 6,156 ~ ~ ~
I like advice-- "Grill, you're an ass!"
~ ~ ~ Sentence 6,253 ~ ~ ~
Heaven grant him now some noble nook, For, rest his soul, he'd rather be Genteelly damn'd beside a Duke, Than saved in vulgar company.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 6,733 ~ ~ ~
Now Evins bless the Pallis Court, And all its bold ver-dicks!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 6,956 ~ ~ ~
The Mex'cans don't fight fair, they say, they piz'n all the water, An' du amazin' lots o' things thet isn't wut they ough' ter; Bein' they haint no lead, they make their bullets out o' copper An' shoot the darned things at us, tu, which Caleb sez aint proper; He sez they'd ough' to stan' right up an' let us pop 'em fairly (Guess wen he ketches 'em at thet he'll hev to git up airly), Thet our nation's bigger 'n theirn an' so its rights air bigger, An thet it's all to make 'em free that we air pullin' trigger, Thet Anglo Saxondom's idee's abreakin' 'em to pieces, An' thet idee's thet every man doos jest wut he damn pleases; Ef I don't make his meanin' clear, perhaps in some respex I can, I know that "every man" don't mean a nigger or a Mexican; An' there's another thing I know, an' thet is, ef these creeturs, Thet stick an Anglo-saxon mask onto State-prison feeturs, Should come to Jaalam Center fer to argify an' spout on't, The gals 'ould count the silver spoons the minnit they cleared out on't This goin' ware glory waits ye haint one agreeable feetur, An' ef it worn't fer wakin' snakes, I'd home agin short meter; O, wouldn't I be off, quick time, ef't worn't thet I wuz sartin They'd let the daylight into me to pay me fer desartin!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 6,960 ~ ~ ~
An' mind your eye, be thund'rin' spry, or, damn ye, you shall ketch it!"
~ ~ ~ Sentence 7,331 ~ ~ ~
I ain't a goin' to stand this 'ere, you know: but 'taint no ass kickin' agin stone walls and iron spikes: wot I shall try and do is to gammon the parson.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 7,408 ~ ~ ~
And though no marriage words are spoke, They part not till the ring is broke: Yet hypocrite fanatics cry, I'm but an idol raised on high; And once a weaver in our town, A damn'd Cromwellian, knock'd me down.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 7,465 ~ ~ ~
Emblem of the Fair am I, Polish'd neck, and radiant eye; In my eye my greatest grace, Emblem of the Cyclops' race; Metals I like them subdue, Slave like them to Vulcan too; Emblem of a monarch old, Wise, and glorious to behold; Wasted he appears, and pale, Watching for the public weal: Emblem of the bashful dame, That in secret feeds her flame, Often aiding to impart All the secrets of her heart; Various is my bulk and hue, Big like Bess, and small like Sue: Now brown and burnish'd like a nut, At other times a very slut; Often fair, and soft and tender, Taper, tall, and smooth, and slender: Like Flora, deck'd with various flowers Like Phoebus, guardian of the hours: But whatever be my dress, Greater be my size or less, Swelling be my shape or small Like thyself I shine in all.