Vulgar words in A Select Collection of Old English Plays, Volume 1 (Page 1)
This book at a glance
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Honest Whore (two parts) _Decker and Middleton_.
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I smote off his leg by the hard arse, As soon as I met him there.
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Then is it not like hair of ass-tails?
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It is Sempronio, with that old bearded whore.
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Think ye in her arse there is any shame?
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The contrary who telleth you, be never his borrow; For as much she glorifieth her in her name, To be called an old whore, as ye would of fame.
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Dogs in the street and children at every door Bark and cry out, There goeth an old whore!
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Yea that [I do time long][46] agone For a false whore, the devil overthrow her!
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Thou shouldst say it lieth not in me, old whore.
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But thy mother was as old a whore as I.
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Sir, I will aid[130] you to understand, There were good fellows above five thousand, And all they been kin to us three: There was falsehood, favell,[131] and jollity, Yea, thieves, and whores, with other good company, Liars, backbiters, and flatterers the while, Brawlers, liars, jetters, and chiders, Walkers by night, with great murderers, Overthwart guile[rs] and jolly carders, Oppressors of people, with many swearers, There was false law with horrible vengeance, Froward obstination with mischievous governance, Wanton wenches, and also michers, With many other of the devil's officers; And hatred, that is so mighty and strong, Hath made a vow for ever to dwell in England.
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Avaunt, whoreson, thou shalt bear me a stripe; Say'st thou, that my mother was a whore?
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Nay, by Saint Mary, I hope not so; I will not go to the devil, while I have my liberty, He shall take the labour to fet me, and he will have me; For he that will go to hell by his will voluntarily, The devil and the whirlwind go with him: I will you never fro thence tidings bring; Go you before, and show me the way, And as to follow you I will not say nay: For, by God's body, and you be in once, By the mass, I will shit[150] the door at once, And then ye be take in a pitfall.
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I know well then I should break my neck, And, by God, then had I the worse side; Yet had I liever be by the nose tied In a wench's arse somewhere, Rather than I would stand in that great fear, For to go up to heaven--nay, I pray you, let be.
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No, bitched brothel, thou shalt be taught, For I am a knight, and I were sought; The world hath avanced me.
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What, I do but claw mine arse, sir, by your leave.
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By that ilk[255] truth that God me gave, Had I that bitched Conscience in this place, I should so beat him with my staff, That all his stones should stink.
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An ox knoweth his lord, an ass his master's duty; But Israel will not know me nor my conditions.
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Foh, by St Saviour, I never kissed a worse; Ye were as good kiss All-Hallows' arse; For, by All-Hallows, yet me-thinketh, That All-Hallows' breath stinketh.
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nay, all these[468] two years; For all the savours that may come here Can be no worse; for at a word One of the seven sleepers trod in a turd.
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Then ten of my turds in ten of thy teeth, And ten on thy nose, which every man seeth; And twenty times ten this wish I would That thou hadst been hanged at ten year old: For thou goest about to make me a slave.
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[580] I tell you at a word, I set not a turd By none of them all: Early and late I will walk, And London streets stalk, Spite of them great and small: For I think verily, That none in heaven so high, Nor yet in hell so low, While I have this club in my hand, Can he able me to withstand, Or me to overthrow.
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Cursest thou, old whore?
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Rough Robin Rover, ruffling in right rate, Bald Bernard Brainless will beat, and Bennet bate; Foolish Frederick Furberer of a fart Ding Daniel Dainty to death will with a dart.
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The bottom of the ship of Noe, And also the leg of the horse of Troy: The piece of the tongue of Balaam's ass, The chawbone[603] of the ox that at Christ's birth was, The eye-tooth of the dog that went on pilgrimage With young Tobias, these worms soon may suage!
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The tooth of the titmouse, the turd of the goat, In the Tower of Tennis-balls toasted by the fire, The table of Tantalus turned trim in the mire, The tomb of Tom Threadbare that thrust Tib through the smoke, Make all thy worms, child, to come forth at thy dock!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 5,426 ~ ~ ~
I was sick and lay in my bed; She brought me a kerchief to wrap on my head, And I pray God that I be dead, If that I lie any whit, When she was about the kerchief to knit, Break did one of the forms' feet, That she did stand on, And down fell she anon, And forth withal, As she did fall, She girdeth out a fart, That me made to start: I think her buttocks did smart: Except it had be a mare in a cart, I have not heard such a blast.
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T. Bastard, in his "Chrestoleros, Seven Bookes of Epigrams," 1598, has the following, addressed _Ad Johannem Dauis_, in which he speaks of Heywood and his reputation in this department-- "Yf witt may make a Poet, as I gesse, _Heywood_ with auncient Poets may I compare.
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Drayton, in his "Poly-Olbion," Song xxiv., says-- "Whose Cambro Britons so their saints as duly brought, T' advance the Christian faith, effectually that wrought; Their _David_ (one deriv'd of th' royal British blood), Who 'against Pelagius' false and damn'd opinions stood; And turn'd Menenia's name to _David's_ sacred see.