Vulgar words in The Poems of Jonathan Swift, D.D., Volume 2 (Page 1)
This book at a glance
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~ ~ ~ Sentence 174 ~ ~ ~
When miss delights in her spinet, A fiddler may a fortune get; A blockhead, with melodious voice, In boarding-schools may have his choice: And oft the dancing-master's art Climbs from the toe to touch the heart.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 297 ~ ~ ~
But, lest we should for honour take The drunken quarrels of a rake: Or think it seated in a scar, Or on a proud triumphal car; Or in the payment of a debt We lose with sharpers at piquet; Or when a whore, in her vocation, Keeps punctual to an assignation; Or that on which his lordship swears, When vulgar knaves would lose their ears; Let Stella's fair example preach A lesson she alone can teach.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 684 ~ ~ ~
And though no marriage words are spoke, They part not till the ring is broke; Yet hypocrite fanatics cry, I'm but an idol raised on high; And once a weaver in our town, A damn'd Cromwellian, knock'd me down.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 695 ~ ~ ~
Sometimes in panegyric high, Like lofty Pindar, I can soar; And raise a virgin to the sky, Or sink her to a pocky whore.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 752 ~ ~ ~
Emblem of the Fair am I, Polish'd neck, and radiant eye; In my eye my greatest grace, Emblem of the Cyclops' race; Metals I like them subdue, Slave like them to Vulcan too; Emblem of a monarch old, Wise, and glorious to behold; Wasted he appears, and pale, Watching for the public weal: Emblem of the bashful dame, That in secret feeds her flame, Often aiding to impart All the secrets of her heart; Various is my bulk and hue, Big like Bess, and small like Sue: Now brown and burnish'd like a nut, At other times a very slut; Often fair, and soft, and tender, Taper, tall, and smooth, and slender: Like Flora, deck'd with various flowers, Like Phoebus, guardian of the hours: But whatever be my dress, Greater be my size or less, Swelling be my shape or small, Like thyself I shine in all.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 946 ~ ~ ~
Consider, before You come to threescore, How the hussies will fleer Where'er you appear; "That silly old puss Would fain be like us: What a figure she made In her tarnish'd brocade!"
~ ~ ~ Sentence 993 ~ ~ ~
SHEELAH When you with Oonah stood behind a ditch, I peep'd, and saw you kiss the dirty bitch; Dermot, how could you touch these nasty sluts?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,317 ~ ~ ~
Who have ravish'd, and murder'd, and play'd such damn'd pranks, And trod down the grass on my much-injured banks?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,389 ~ ~ ~
But since old Sid has broken this, His next may be a rod in piss.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,428 ~ ~ ~
I would ask any man Of them all that maintain Their passive obedience With such mighty vehemence, That damn'd doctrine, I trow!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,467 ~ ~ ~
For no soil can suit With every fruit, Even so, Sir, it is with religion; The best church by far Is what grows where you are, Were it Mahomet's ass or his pigeon.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,474 ~ ~ ~
That viceroy [2] is best, That would take off the test, And made a sham speech to attempt it; But being true blue, When he found 'twould not do, Swore, damn him, if ever he meant it.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,476 ~ ~ ~
But now, sir, they tell, How Sacheverell, By bringing old doctrines in fashion, Hath, like a damn'd rogue, Brought religion in vogue, And so open'd the eyes of the nation.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,497 ~ ~ ~
THE SPEECH Whereas, notwithstanding I am in great pain, To hear we are making a peace without Spain; But, most noble senators, 'tis a great shame, There should be a peace, while I'm _Not-in-game._ The duke show'd me all his fine house; and the duchess From her closet brought out a full purse in her clutches: I talk'd of a peace, and they both gave a start, His grace swore by G--d, and her grace let a f--t: My long old-fashion'd pocket was presently cramm'd; And sooner than vote for a peace I'll be damn'd.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,554 ~ ~ ~
At twelve, a wit and a coquette; Marries for love, half whore, half wife; Cuckolds, elopes, and runs in debt; Turns authoress, and is Curll's for life.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,580 ~ ~ ~
Besides, it plainly now appears Our Midas, too, has ass's ears: Where every fool his mouth applies, And whispers in a thousand lies; Such gross delusions could not pass Thro' any ears but of an ass.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,583 ~ ~ ~
And Midas now neglected stands, With ass's ears, and dirty hands.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,617 ~ ~ ~
Sunderland, Orford, Boyle, and Richmond's grace Will come; and Hampden shall have Walpole's place; Wharton, unless prevented by a whore, Will hardly fail; and there is room for more; But I love elbow-room whene'er I drink; And honest Harry is too apt to stink.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,149 ~ ~ ~
Such a worm was Will Wood, when he scratch'd at the door Of a governing statesman or favourite whore; The death of our nation he seem'd to foretell, And the sound of his brass we took for our knell.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,175 ~ ~ ~
I'm a son of a whore If I have a word more To say in this wretched condition.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,176 ~ ~ ~
If my coin will not pass, I must die like an ass; And so I conclude my petition.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,218 ~ ~ ~
But I'll tell the secret; and pray do not blab: He is an old stump, cut out of a crab; And England has put this crab to a hard use, To cudgel our bones, and for drink give us ver-juice; And therefore his witnesses justly may boast, That none are more properly knights of the post, But here Mr. Wood complains that we mock, Though he may be a blockhead, he's no real block.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,269 ~ ~ ~
ON THE SAME THE JUDGE SPEAKS I'm not the grandson of that ass Quin;[1] Nor can you prove it, Mr. Pasquin.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,351 ~ ~ ~
I ask (if what you say be true) If you affirm the present age Deserves your satire's keenest rage; If that same universal passion With every vice has fill'd the nation: If virtue dares not venture down A single step beneath the crown: If clergymen, to show their wit, Praise classics more than holy writ: If bankrupts, when they are undone, Into the senate-house can run, And sell their votes at such a rate, As will retrieve a lost estate: If law be such a partial whore, To spare the rich, and plague the poor: If these be of all crimes the worst, What land was ever half so curst?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,397 ~ ~ ~
You every moment think an age, Till he appears upon the stage: And first his bum you see him clap Upon the Queen of Sheba's lap: The Duke of Lorraine drew his sword; Punch roaring ran, and running roar'd, Reviled all people in his jargon, And sold the King of Spain a bargain; St. George himself he plays the wag on, And mounts astride upon the dragon; He gets a thousand thumps and kicks, Yet cannot leave his roguish tricks; In every action thrusts his nose; The reason why, no mortal knows: In doleful scenes that break our heart, Punch comes like you, and lets a fart.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,409 ~ ~ ~
Ne'er hold my peace, and ne'er stand still: I fart with twenty ladies by; They call me beast; and what care I?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,410 ~ ~ ~
I bravely call the Tories Jacks, And sons of whores--behind their backs.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,411 ~ ~ ~
But could you bring me once to think, That when I strut, and stare, and stink, Revile and slander, fume and storm, Betray, make oath, impeach, inform, With such a constant loyal zeal To serve myself and commonweal, And fret the Tories' souls to death, I did but lose my precious breath; And, when I damn my soul to plague 'em, Am, as you tell me, but their May-game; Consume my vitals!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,498 ~ ~ ~
DICK'S VARIETY Dull uniformity in fools I hate, who gape and sneer by rules; You, Mullinix, and slobbering C---- Who every day and hour the same are That vulgar talent I despise Of pissing in the rabble's eyes.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,527 ~ ~ ~
Yet many a wretch in Bedlam knows How to distinguish friends from foes; And though perhaps among the rout He wildly flings his filth about, He still has gratitude and sap'ence, To spare the folks that give him ha'pence; Nor in their eyes at random pisses, But turns aside, like mad Ulysses; While Traulus all his ordure scatters To foul the man he chiefly flatters.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,542 ~ ~ ~
But he's possest Incarnate with a thousand imps, To work whose ends his madness pimps; Who o'er each string and wire preside, Fill every pipe, each motion guide; Directing every vice we find In Scripture to the devil assign'd; Sent from the dark infernal region, In him they lodge, and make him legion.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,584 ~ ~ ~
The Bear, the Tiger, beasts of flight, And all that could but scratch and bite, Nay e'en the Cat, of wicked nature, That kills in sport her fellow-creature, Went scot-free; but his gravity, An ass of stupid memory, Confess'd, as he went to a fair, His back half broke with wooden-ware, Chancing unluckily to pass By a church-yard full of good grass, Finding they'd open left the gate, He ventured in, stoop'd down and ate Hold, says Judge Wolf, such are the crimes Have brought upon us these sad times, 'Twas sacrilege, and this vile ass Shall die for eating holy grass.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,689 ~ ~ ~
What was it?--'Twas fame to be lash'd by his pen: For had he not pointed me out, I had slept till E'en doomsday, a poor insignificant reptile; Half lawyer, half actor, pert, dull, and inglorious, Obscure, and unheard of--but now I'm notorious: Fame has but two gates, a white and a black one; The worst they can say is, I got in at the back one: If the end be obtain'd 'tis equal what portal I enter, since I'm to be render'd immortal: So clysters applied to the anus, 'tis said, By skilful physicians, give ease to the head-- Though my title be spurious, why should I be dastard, A man is a man, though he should be a bastard.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,690 ~ ~ ~
Why sure 'tis some comfort that heroes should slay us, If I fall, I would fall by the hand of Æneas; And who by the Drapier would not rather damn'd be, Than demigoddized by madrigal Namby?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,699 ~ ~ ~
While Carter and Prendergast both may be rotten, And damn'd to the bargain, and yet be forgotten.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,726 ~ ~ ~
Though he cringed to his deanship in very low strains, To others he boasted of knocking out brains, And slitting of noses, and cropping of ears, While his own ass's zags were more fit for the shears.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,773 ~ ~ ~
to see the dunghill bastard brood Survive in thee, and make the proverb good?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,833 ~ ~ ~
Let Sir Tom,[4] that rampant ass, Stuff his guts with flax and grass; But before the priest he fleeces, Tear the Bible all to pieces: At the parsons, Tom, halloo, boy, Worthy offspring of a shoeboy, Footman, traitor, vile seducer, Perjured rebel, bribed accuser, Lay thy privilege aside, From Papist sprung, and regicide; Fall a-working like a mole, Raise the dirt about thy hole.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,858 ~ ~ ~
[14] Keeper, show me where to fix On the puppy pair of Dicks: By their lantern jaws and leathern, You might swear they both are brethren: Dick Fitzbaker,[15] Dick the player,[15] Old acquaintance, are you there?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,859 ~ ~ ~
Dear companions, hug and kiss, Toast Old Glorious in your piss; Tie them, keeper, in a tether, Let them starve and stink together; Both are apt to be unruly, Lash them daily, lash them duly; Though 'tis hopeless to reclaim them, Scorpion's rods, perhaps, may tame them.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,872 ~ ~ ~
Chairman to yon damn'd committee!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,006 ~ ~ ~
A WICKED TREASONABLE LIBEL[1] While the king and his ministers keep such a pother, And all about changing one whore for another, Think I to myself, what need all this strife, His majesty first had a whore of a wife, And surely the difference mounts to no more Than, now he has gotten a wife of a whore.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,008 ~ ~ ~
Say which of the two is the right Prince of Wales, To succeed, when, (God bless him,) his majesty fails; Perhaps it may puzzle our loyal divines To unite these two Protestant parallel lines, From a left-handed wife, and one turn'd out of doors, Two reputed king's sons, both true sons of whores; No law can determine it, which is first oars.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,010 ~ ~ ~
poor old England, how wilt thou be master'd; For, take which you please, it must needs be a bastard.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,060 ~ ~ ~
This comes of all your drunken tricks, Your Parry's and your brace of Dicks; Your hunting Helsham in his laboratory Too, was the time you saw that Drab lac a Pery But like the prelate who lives yonder-a, And always cries he is like Cassandra; I always told you, Mr. Sheridan, If once this company you were rid on, Frequented honest folk, and very few, You'd live till all your friends were weary of you.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,082 ~ ~ ~
See how the gaping crowd admire The stupid blockhead and the liar!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,168 ~ ~ ~
Did heathen virtues in your hearts reside, These wretches had been damn'd for parricide.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,180 ~ ~ ~
E. B._ Fair ones who do all hearts command, And gently sway with fan in hand Your favourite--Punch a suppliant falls, And humbly for assistance calls; He humbly calls and begs you'll stop The gothic rage of Vander Hop, Wh'invades without pretence and right, Or any law but that of might, Our Pigmy land--and treats our kings Like paltry idle wooden things; Has beat our dancers out of doors, And call'd our chastest virgins whores; He has not left our Queen a rag on, Has forced away our George and Dragon, Has broke our wires, nor was he civil To Doctor Faustus nor the devil; E'en us he hurried with full rage, Most hoarsely squalling off the stage; And faith our fright was very great To see a minister of state, Arm'd with power and fury come To force us from our little home-- We fear'd, as I am sure we had reason, An accusation of high-treason; Till, starting up, says Banamiere, "Treason, my friends, we need not fear, For 'gainst the Brass we used no power, Nor strove to save the chancellor.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,196 ~ ~ ~
While a coarse English tongue will itch, For whore and rogue, and dog and bitch.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,321 ~ ~ ~
Your water so far goes, 'Twould serve for an Argus, Were all his whole hundred sore; So many we read He had in his head, Or Ovid's a son of a whore.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,463 ~ ~ ~
Her damn'd pointed tongue pierced almost to my heart; Tell me of a cart,--tell me of a ----, I'd have you to tell on both sides her ears, If she comes to my house, that I'll kick her down stairs: Then home she shall limping go, squalling out, O my knee; You shall soon have a crutch to buy for your Melpomene.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,672 ~ ~ ~
Because we thus must state the case, That you have got a hanging face, Th' untimely end's a damn'd disgrace of noose, sir.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,729 ~ ~ ~
sir, I had no design, But was unwarily drawn in; For spite I ne'er had any; 'Twas the damn'd squire with the hard name; The de'il too that owed me a shame, The devil and Delany; They tempted me t' attack your highness, And then, with wonted wile and slyness, They left me in the lurch: Unhappy wretch!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,785 ~ ~ ~
SHERIDAN TO SWIFT A Highlander once fought a Frenchman at Margate, The weapons a rapier, a backsword, and target; Brisk Monsieur advanced as fast as he could, But all his fine pushes were caught in the wood; While Sawney with backsword did slash him and nick him, While t'other, enraged that he could not once prick him, Cried, "Sirrah, you rascal, you son of a whore, Me'll fight you, begar, if you'll come from your door!"
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,815 ~ ~ ~
Whereby you now confess yourself to be a goose or an ass: But that's as much as to say, that my master should die before ye; Well, well, that's as God pleases; and I don't believe that's a true story: And so say I told you so, and you may go tell my master; what care I?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,864 ~ ~ ~
My daughter I ever was pleased to see Come fawning and begging to ride on my knee: My wife, too, was pleased, and to the child said, Come, hold in your belly, and hold up your head: But now out of humour, I with a sour look, Cry, hussy, and give her a souse with my book; And I'll give her another; for why should she play, Since my Bacchus, and glasses, and friends, are away?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,905 ~ ~ ~
A tinder box without a flint, An oaken desk with nothing in't; A pair of tongs bought from a broker, A fender and a rusty poker; A penny pot and basin, this Design'd for water, that for piss; A broken-winded pair of bellows, Two knives and forks, but neither fellows.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 4,180 ~ ~ ~
You find the gods in Homer dwell In seas and streams, or low as Hell: Ev'n Jove, and Mercury his pimp, No higher climb than mount Olymp.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 4,183 ~ ~ ~
he kiss their a--es; While we, o'er Teneriffa placed, Are loftier by a mile at least: And, when Apollo struts on Pindus, We see him from our kitchen windows; Or, to Parnassus looking down, Can piss upon his laurel crown.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 4,188 ~ ~ ~
'Tis true, a woman on her mettle Will often piss upon a nettle; But though we own she makes it wetter, The nettle never thrives the better; While we, by soft prolific showers, Can every spring produce you flowers.