Vulgar words in Mince Pie (Page 1)
This book at a glance
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PHILADELPHIA _September, 1919_ [Illustration] CONTENTS PAGE ON FILLING AN INK-WELL 17 OLD THOUGHTS FOR CHRISTMAS 24 CHRISTMAS CARDS 31 ON UNANSWERING LETTERS 35 A LETTER TO FATHER TIME 41 WHAT MEN LIVE BY 48 THE UNNATURAL NATURALIST 54 SITTING IN THE BARBER'S CHAIR 60 BROWN EYES AND EQUINOXES 64 163 INNOCENT OLD MEN 69 A TRAGIC SMELL IN MARATHON 75 BULLIED BY THE BIRDS 81 A MESSAGE FOR BOONVILLE 87 MAKING MARATHON SAFE FOR THE URCHIN 92 THE SMELL OF SMELLS 98 A JAPANESE BACHELOR 102 TWO DAYS WE CELEBRATE 117 THE URCHIN AT THE ZOO 132 FELLOW CRAFTSMEN 139 THE KEY RING 144 "OWD BOB" 150 THE APPLE THAT NO ONE ATE 167 AS TO RUMORS 174 OUR MOTHERS 181 GREETING TO AMERICAN ANGLERS 186 MRS. IZAAK WALTON WRITES A LETTER TO HER MOTHER 190 TRUTH 193 THE TRAGEDY OF WASHINGTON SQUARE 195 IF MR. WILSON WERE THE WEATHER MAN 202 SYNTAX FOR CYNICS 205 THE TRUTH AT LAST 209 FIXED IDEAS 211 TRIALS OF A PRESIDENT TRAVELLING ABROAD 215 DIARY OF A PUBLISHER'S OFFICE BOY 217 THE DOG'S COMMANDMENTS 219 THE VALUE OF CRITICISM 221 A MARRIAGE SERVICE FOR COMMUTERS 224 THE SUNNY SIDE OF GRUB STREET 226 BURIAL SERVICE FOR A NEWSPAPER JOKE 236 ADVICE TO THOSE VISITING A BABY 238 ABOU BEN WOODROW 240 MY MAGNIFICENT SYSTEM 242 LETTERS TO CYNTHIA 1 IN PRAISE OF BOOBS 245 2 SIMPLIFICATION 250 TO AN UNKNOWN DAMSEL 256 THOUGHTS ON SETTING AN ALARM CLOCK 258 SONGS IN A SHOWER BATH 259 ON DEDICATING A NEW TEAPOT 261 THE UNFORGIVABLE SYNTAX 263 VISITING POETS 264 A GOOD HOME IN THE SUBURBS 270 WALT WHITMAN MINIATURES 272 ON DOORS 292 MINCE PIE ON FILLING AN INK-WELL Those who buy their ink in little stone jugs may prefer to do so because the pottle reminds them of cruiskeen lawn or ginger beer (with its wire-bound cork), but they miss a noble delight.
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His meditations on the reviewing job are embalmed in "That Reviewer Cuss."
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IN PRAISE OF BOOBS _Dear Sir--What is a Boob?
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Perhaps I'm a boob for asking--but I'd like to know_.
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[Illustration] BE FRIENDLY WITH BOOBS The Boob, my dear Cynthia, is Nature's device for mitigating the quaintly blended infelicities of existence.
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Never be too bitter about the Boob.
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The Boob is you and me and the man in the elevator.
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THE BOOB IS HUMANITY'S HOPE As long as the Boob ratio remains high, humanity is safe.
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The Boob is the last repository of the stalwart virtues.
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The Boob is faith, hope and charity.
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The Boob is the hope of conservatives, the terror of radicals and the meal check of cynics.
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It will be the Boob who will come to your aid, even before the cop gets there.
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1653 BOOBS If you were to dig a deep and terrible pit in the middle of Chestnut Street, and illuminate it with signs and red lights and placards reading, _DO NOT WALK INTO THIS PIT_, 1653 Boobs would tumble into it during the course of the day.
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Boobs have faith.
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THE BOOB RATIO But that does not prove anything creditable to human nature.
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The Boob ratio is just about 1 to 16.
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HE LOOKS FOR ANGELS It does not pay to make fun of the Boob.
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May not a Boob expect to see angels in the shimmering blue of heaven?
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HE SEES THEM It is the Boob who is always willing to look hopefully for angels who will see them ultimately.
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And the man who is only looking for the Boob's timepiece will do time of his own by and by.
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HE BEARS NO MALICE The Boob is convinced that the world is conducted on genteel and friendly principles.
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A DEFINITION A small boy once defined a Boob as one who always treats other people better than he does himself.
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HE IS UNSUSPICIOUS The Boob is hopeful, cheery, more concerned over other people's troubles than his own.
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But if he was not a Boob before marriage he will never become so after.
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Women are the natural antidotes of Boobs.
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RECEPTIVE The Boob is not quarrelsome.
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HE IS HAPPY Of course, what bothers other people is that the Boob is so happy.
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NATURE'S DARLING Nature must love the Boob, because she is a good deal of a Boob herself.
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Can it be that the Boob is Nature's darling, that she intends him to outlive all the rest?
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A BRIEF MAXIM Be sure you're a Boob, and then go ahead.
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IN CONCLUSION But never, dear Cynthia, confuse the Boob with the Poor Fish.
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The Poor Fish, as an Emersonian thinker has observed, is the Boob gone wrong.
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The Poor Fish is Why Boobs Leave Home.