Vulgar words in The Jest Book - The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings (Page 1)
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"_The gravest beast is an ass; the gravest bird is an owl; The gravest fish is an oyster; and the gravest man is a fool_!" says honest Joe Miller; and with that Apophthegm the Compiler doffs his Cap and Bells, and leaves you, Gentle Reader, in the Merry Company he has brought together.
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"I can't exactly tell," replied the other; "but I can inform you that _an ass_ is older at twenty than a man at sixty!"
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IN making love let poor men sigh, But love that's ready-made is better For men of business;--so I, If madam will be cruel, let her.
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A RECRUITING serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with,--"Come, my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?"
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In the scene where the tyrant makes love to _Zapphira_, and reminds her of his services against the enemies of her kingdom, he was at a loss, and could not catch the word from the prompter, when, seeing the house crowded with sailors, and regardless of the gross anachronism, he exclaimed, with all the energy of tragedy-- "Did not I, By that brave knight Sir Sidney Smith assisted, And in conjunction with the gallant Nelson, Drive Bonaparte and his fierce marauders From Egypt's shores?"
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DCXXV.--"WRITE ME DOWN AN ASS."
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In the course of their walk, they stopped to notice the gambols of an ass's foal.
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"HE that will never look upon an ass, Must lock his door and break his looking-glass."
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TO wonder now at Balaam's ass, is weak; Is there a day that asses do not speak?
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HASTE son of Celsus, P--rc--v--l is ill; Dissect an ass before you try your skill.
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Your censure, friends, will _raise_ us; If you do wish to damn us quite, Only begin to _praise_ us!
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TO wonder now at Balaam's ass were weak; Is there a night that asses do not speak?
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JEMMY GORDON, the well-known writer of many a _theme_ and _declamation_ for _varmint-men_, alias _non-reading_ Cantabs, having been complimented by an acquaintance on the result of one of his _themes_, to which the prize of a certain college was awarded, quaintly enough replied, "It is no great credit to be first in an _ass-race_."
~ ~ ~ Sentence 5,023 ~ ~ ~
LE SAGE, the author of Gil Blas, said, to console himself for his deafness, with his usual humor, "When I go into a company where I find a great number of blockheads and babblers, I replace my trumpet in my pocket, and cry, 'Now, gentlemen, _I defy_ you all.'"
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"Grill, you're an ass!"
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A CERTAIN Chief Justice, on hearing an ass bray, interrupted the late Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, "One at a time, Mr. Curran, if you please."
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They are so imbued with metaphysics that they even make love metaphysically.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 5,807 ~ ~ ~
A JUDGE, joking a young barrister, said, "If you and I were turned into a horse and an ass, which would you prefer to be?"
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"I've heard of an ass being made a judge, but a horse never."
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On one occasion, when asked by a medical friend what physician and apothecary he employed, to be always so well, he replied, "My physician has always been a _horse_, and my apothecary an _ass_!"
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When he was suffering from an attack of gout, he thus rebuked his shoemaker: "O, you're a precious blockhead to do directly the reverse of what I desired you.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 6,512 ~ ~ ~
", 233 Thurlow and Pitt, 121 Ticklish Opening, A, 324 Tierney's, Mr., Humor, 277 Tillotson, 280 Time Out of Joint, The, 187 Time Works Wonders, 112 Timely Aid, 243 Timely Flattery, 316 Timely Reproof, A, 115 Timidity of Beauty, The, 143 To the Coming Man, 313 Too Civil, 55 Too Civil by Half, 246 Too Clever, 250 Too Fast, 220 Too Good, 233 Too Grateful, 224 Too Liberal, 260 Too Many Cooks, 11 Too Much and Too Little, 244 Too Much at Once, 364 Too Much of a Bad Thing, 165 Too Cold to Change, 65 Top and Bottom, 140 Tory Liberality, 56 Touching, 109 Trade against Land, 156 Tragedy MS., 43 Transformation Scene, A, 201 Transporting Subject, A, 221 Transposing a Compliment, 41 Travellers See Strange Things, 317 Trophies, 210 True and False, 251 True Courtier, A, 43 True Criticism, 267 True Dignity, 261 True Evidence, 156 True Joke, A, 60 True of Both, 287 True Philosophy, 288 True Politeness, 164 True to the Letter, 287 True Wit, 123 Trump Card, A, 13 Truth and Fiction, 240 Truth and Rhyme, 137 Truth at Last, 133 Truth by Accident, The, 216 Truth for the Ladies, A, 100 Truth not Always to be Spoken, 88 Truth not to be Spoken at All Times, 78 Truth _v._ Politeness, 255 Trying to the Temper, 258 Twice Ruined, 79 Two Carriages, 275 Two Cures for Ague, 353 Two Make a Pair, 159 Two of a Trade, 77 Two Sides to a Speech, 90 Two Smiths, The, 28 Twofold Illustration, 42 Typographical Transfer, A, 332 Typographical Wit, 260 UGLY DOG, AN, 48 Ugly Trades, 304 Unanswerable Argument, An, 299 Uncivil Warning, 351 Unconscious Insult, An, 317 Unconscious Postscript, An, 206 Unequal Arrangement, An, 355 Unexpected Cannonade, An, 340 Unfortunate Lover, An, 181 Union is Strength, 51 Union of Opposites, 319 Unkind, 117 Unknown Tongue, 38 Unlikely Result, An, 348 Unpoetical Reply, 120 Unreasonable, 94 Unre-hearsed Effect, An, 65 Unremitting Kindness, 100 Untaxed Luxury, An, 319 Unwelcome Agreement, 158 Up and Down, 301 Up in the World, 9 Upright Man, An, 87 Use is Second Nature, 196 Useful Ally, A, 90 Utilitarian Inquiry, A, 328 VAILS TO SERVANTS, 85 Vain Search, A, 96 Vain Threat, A, 343 Valuable Beaver, A, 301 Valuable Discovery, 90 Value of Applause, 171 Value of Nothing, 241 Vast Domain, 21 Vera Cannie, 243 Verse and Worse, 118 Verses Written on a Window in the Highlands of Scotland, 15 Very Appropriate, 287 Very Clear, 46 Very Easy, 303 Very Evident, 213 Very Like Each Other, 270 Very Likely, 249, 312 Very Pointed, 22 Very Pretty, 102 Very Serious, 130 Very Shocking, if True, 254 Very True, 173, 286 Vice Versâ, 190 Visible Darkness, 10 Visible Proof, 82 Visibly Losing, 293 Voluminous Speaker, A, 148 Vox et Præterea Nihil, 147 Vulgar Arguments, 122 Vulgarity, 362 WALKING STICK, A, 326 Walpoliana, 107, 111, 119 Warm Friendships, 98 Warm Man, A, 348 Warning to Ladies, 54 Waste of Time, 42 Waste Powder, 18 Way of the World, 75 Way of Using Books, 175 Weak Woman, A, 11 Wearing Away, 347 Well-bred Horse, 9 Well Matched, 6 Well Said, 268 Well Turned, 346 Wellington, Duke of, and the Aurist, 87 Wellington Surprised, 250 Welsh Wig-ging, A, 26 Wet and Dry, 141 What Everybody Does, 294 What is an Archdeacon?, 295 What's a Hat without a Head?, 285 What's Going On?, 159 What's in a Name?, 279 What's in a Syllable?, 151 What's my Thought Like?, 305 Wheel of Fortune, The, 195 Where it came from, 316 Where is the Audience?, 183 Whig and Tory, 67 Whist, 244 Whist-Playing, 229 Whitbread's Entire, 359 White Hands, 287 White Teeth, 275 Who's the Fool?, 132 Who's to Blame?, 136 Whose?, 192 Why are Women Beardless?, 208 Why Master of the House?, 330 Wide-awake Minister, A, 347 Wide Difference, A, 345 "Wide, Wide Sea," The, 315 Wife at Forty, A, 45 Wignell, the Actor, 72 Wilberforce, Miss, 298 Wilkes and Liberty, 161 Wilkes and a Liberty, 143 Wilkes's Ready Reply, 224 Wilkes's Tergiversation, 114 Wilkie's Simplicity, 91 Will and Away, A, 259 Will and the Way, 193 Will, The, 104 Windy Minister, A, 259 Winner at Cards, A, 303 Winning a Loss, 160 Wise Decision, A, 348 Wise Fool, A, 198 Wise Precaution, 13 Wise Son who knew his own Father, A, 6 Wit and Quackery, 95 Wit Defined, 95 Wits Agreeing, 354 Witty at his own Expense, 365 Witty Coward, 236 Witty Proposition, A, 348 Witty Thanksgiving, 338 Wolfe, General, 167 Woman's Promises, A, 62 Women, 229 Wonderful Cure, A, 179 Wonderful Sight, A, 258 Wonderful Unanimity, 331 Wonderful Woman, A, 5 Wooden Joke, A, 314 Woodman, A, 63 Woolsack, The, 232 Word in Season, A, 340 Word to the Wise, A, 135 Words that Burn, 11 Worst of all Crimes, The, 63 Worst of Two Evils, The, 269 Worth the Money, 35 Worthy of Credit, 129 "Write me Down an Ass", 135 Writing for the Stage, 234 Writing Treason, 230 Written Character, A, 6 Wrong Leg, The, 48 YANKEE YARN, A, 157 Yorke, Mr. Charles, 361 Yorkshire Bull, A, 353 "You'll Get There Before I Can Tell You", 239 Young, Dr., 156 Young Idea, The, 247 ZODIAC CLUB, THE, 37 Transcriber's notes Corrections to the Text.