Vulgar words in Jokes For All Occasions - Selected and Edited by One of America's Foremost Public Speakers (Page 1)
This book at a glance
|
~ ~ ~ Sentence 83 ~ ~ ~
Would you take the word of an ass instead of mine?"
~ ~ ~ Sentence 512 ~ ~ ~
BLOCKHEAD The recruit complained to the sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his finger.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,454 ~ ~ ~
"Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,716 ~ ~ ~
The statement was as follows: Corrected and renewed the Ten Commandments 6.00 Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a new ribbon on his bonnet 3.06 Put a new tail on the rooster of St. Peter and mended his bill 4.08 Put a new nose on St. John the Baptist and straightened his eye 2.06 Replumed and gilded the left wing of the Guardian Angel 5.06 Washed the servant of the High Priest and put carmine on his cheeks 2.04 Renewed Heaven, adjusted ten stars, gilded the sun and cleaned the moon 8.02 Reanimated the flames of Purgatory and restored some souls 3.06 Revived the flames of Hell, put a new tail on the devil, mended his left hoof and did several odd jobs for the damned 4.10 Put new spatter-dashes on the son of Tobias and dressing on his sack 2.00 Rebordered the robe of Herod and readjusted his wig 3.07 Cleaned the ears of Balaam's ass, and shod him 2.08 Put earrings in the ears of Sarah 5.00 Put a new stone in David's sling, enlarged Goliath's hand and extended his legs 2.00 Decorated Noah's Ark 1.20 Mended the shirt of the Prodigal Son, and cleaned the pigs 1.00 ----- 53.83 JOKES The joke maker's association had a feast.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,732 ~ ~ ~
KISSES The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to the clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony: "Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?"
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,864 ~ ~ ~
"Then, I'll say, 'Damn the parade!' and turn over and go to sleep again."
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,083 ~ ~ ~
Always when he come home nights, he so completely intoxicated he don't care a cuss foh all the skeeters in the hull creation.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,084 ~ ~ ~
In the mawnin, when Marse George done git up, the skeeters so completely intoxicated they don't care a cuss foh Marse George, ner nobody!"
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,355 ~ ~ ~
When the rector complained that a certain parishioner had called him a perfect ass, and asked advice, the reply, though well intentioned, sounded ambiguous: "All you should do vill pe youst to bray for him, as usual."
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,694 ~ ~ ~
_Effie:_ "Why, Georgy sat at one end of the table, and I sat at the other; and Georgy said, 'This food isn't fit to eat!' and I said, 'It's all you'll get!' and Georgy said, 'Damn!' and I got up and left the room!"
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,698 ~ ~ ~
* * * _He:_ "By the bye, talking of old times, do you remember that occasion when I made such an awful ass of myself?"
~ ~ ~ Sentence 4,500 ~ ~ ~
"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss," remarked Brown.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 4,884 ~ ~ ~
They've started scrappin' the fleet, an' begun on us."
~ ~ ~ Sentence 4,971 ~ ~ ~
Looking at the hippopotamus, he said: "Ma, ain't that the ugliest damn thing you ever saw?"