Vulgar words in The Book of Humorous Verse (Page 1)
This book at a glance
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W. Gillinan_ 225 Study of an Elevation in Indian Ink _Rudyard Kipling_ 226 The V-a-s-e _James Jeffrey Roche_ 227 Miniver Cheevy _Edwin Arlington Robinson_ 229 The Recruit _Robert W. Chambers_ 230 Officer Brady _Robert W. Chambers_ 232 Post-Impressionism _Bert Leston Taylor_ 235 To the Portrait of "A Gentleman" _Oliver Wendell Holmes_ 236 Cacoethes Scribendi _Oliver Wendell Holmes_ 238 Contentment _Oliver Wendell Holmes_ 238 A Boston Lullaby _James Jeffrey Roche_ 240 A Grain of Salt _Wallace Irwin_ 241 Song _Richard Lovelace_ 241 A Philosopher _Sam Walter Foss_ 242 The Meeting of the Clabberhuses _Sam Walter Foss_ 244 The Ideal Husband to His Wife _Sam Walter Foss_ 246 Distichs _John Hay_ 247 The Hen-roost Man _Ruth McEnery Stuart_ 247 If They Meant All They Say _Alice Duer Miller_ 247 The Man _Stephen Crane_ 248 A Thought _James Kenneth Stephen_ 248 The Musical Ass _Tomaso de Yriarte_ 249 The Knife-Grinder _George Canning_ 249 St. Anthony's Sermon to the Fishes _Abraham á Sancta-Clara_ 251 The Battle of Blenheim _Robert Southey_ 252 The Three Black Crows _John Byrom_ 254 To the Terrestrial Globe _W.
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Prior _James Kenneth Stephen_ 362 To a Blockhead _Alexander Pope_ 362 The Fool and the Poet _Alexander Pope_ 363 A Rhymester _Samuel Taylor Coleridge_ 363 Giles's Hope _Samuel Taylor Coleridge_ 363 Cologne _Samuel Taylor Coleridge_ 363 An Eternal Poem _Samuel Taylor Coleridge_ 364 On a Bad Singer _Samuel Taylor Coleridge_ 364 Job _Samuel Taylor Coleridge_ 364 Reasons for Drinking _Dr.
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Will there never come a season Which shall rid us from the curse Of a prose which knows no reason And an unmelodious verse: When the world shall cease to wonder At the genius of an Ass, And a boy's eccentric blunder Shall not bring success to pass: When mankind shall be delivered From the clash of magazines, And the inkstand shall be shivered Into countless smithereens: When there stands a muzzled stripling, Mute, beside a muzzled bore: When the Rudyards cease from Kipling And the Haggards Ride no more?
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Her head's like the island folks tell on, Which nothing but monkeys can dwell on; Her heart's like a lemon--so nice She carves for each lover a slice; In truth she's to me, Like the wind, like the sea, Whose raging will hearken to no man; Like a mill, like a pill, Like a flail, like a whale, Like an ass, like a glass Whose image is constant to no man; Like a shower, like a flower, Like a fly, like a pie, Like a pea, like a flea, Like a thief, like--in brief, She's like nothing on earth--but a woman!
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In short, to distinguish is folly; 'Twixt the pair I am come to the pass Of Macheath, between Lucy and Polly,-- Or Buridan's ass.
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Although no moral clings To Di's blue eyes, and sandal strings, We've had our quarrels!-- I think that Smith is thought an ass; I know that when they walk in grass She wears _balmorals_.
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_James Kenneth Stephen._ THE MUSICAL ASS The fable which I now present, Occurred to me by accident: And whether bad or excellent, Is merely so by accident.
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A stupid ass this morning went Into a field by accident: And cropped his food, and was content, Until he spied by accident A flute, which some oblivious gent Had left behind by accident; When, sniffling it with eager scent, He breathed on it by accident, And made the hollow instrument Emit a sound by accident.
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I will see thee damn'd first-- Wretch!
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Why, blockhead, are you mad?
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sets all matters right, So calm and composing from morning to night; Oh, it settles the spirits when nothing is seen But an ass on a common, a goose on a green!
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A country bumpkin the great offer heard: Poor Hodge, who suffered by a broad black beard, That seemed a shoe-brush stuck beneath his nose With cheerfulness the eighteen-pence he paid, And proudly to himself, in whispers, said, "This rascal stole the razors, I suppose.
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And whoever shall say that to Porson These best of all verses belong, He is an untruth-telling whore-son, And so shall be call'd in the song.
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_Newton Mackintosh._ CYNICAL ODE TO AN ULTRA-CYNICAL PUBLIC You prefer a buffoon to a scholar, A harlequin to a teacher, A jester to a statesman, An Anonyma flaring on horseback To a modest and spotless woman-- Brute of a public!
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You think that if merit's exalted 'Tis excellent sport to decry it, And trail its good name in the gutter; And that cynics, white-gloved and cravatted, Are the cream and quintessence of all things, Ass of a public!
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Proputty, proputty, proputty--Sam, thou's an ass for thy paaïns: Theer's moor sense i' one o' 'is legs nor in all thy braaïns.
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Thou'll not marry for munny--thou's sweet upo' parson's lass-- Noä--thou'll marry for luvv--an' we boäth of us thinks tha an ass.
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Ay, an' thy muther says thou wants to marry the lass, Cooms of a gentleman burn; an' we boäth on us thinks tha an ass.
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Woä then, proputty, wiltha?--an ass as near as mays nowt-- Woä then, wiltha?
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_James Kenneth Stephen._ TO A BLOCKHEAD You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come: Knock as you please, there's nobody at home.
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Get out, you blazing ass!
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Cuss the railways!
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For, while he spake, a braying ass did sing most loud and clear; Whereat his horse did snort, as he had heard a lion roar, And galloped off with all his might, as he had done before.
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_Samuel Lover._ THE JESTER CONDEMNED TO DEATH One of the Kings of Scanderoon, A royal jester Had in his train, a gross buffoon, Who used to pester The court with tricks inopportune, Venting on the highest folks his Scurvy pleasantries and hoaxes.
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Now, I hold it is not decent for a scientific gent To say another is an ass--at least, to all intent; Nor should the individual who happens to be meant Reply by heaving rocks at him to any great extent.
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That little cuss?
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E. Farrow._ SKIPPER IRESON'S RIDE Of all the rides since the birth of time, Told in story or sung in rhyme,-- On Apuleius's Golden Ass, Or one-eyed Calendar's horse of brass, Witch astride of a human back, Islam's prophet on Al-Borak,-- The strangest ride that ever was sped Was Ireson's, out from Marblehead!
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"His name was Tuscaloosa Sam And often he would say, 'There's not a cuss in Arkansaw I can't whip any day.'
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That's no flim-flam at all, Frivol or sham at all, Just the plain--Damn it all, Have one with me!
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_Unknown._ SIMILES As wet as a fish--as dry as a bone; As live as a bird--as dead as a stone; As plump as a partridge--as poor as a rat; As strong as a horse--as weak as a cat; As hard as a flint--as soft as a mole; As white as a lily--as black as a coal; As plain as a pike-staff--as rough as a bear; As light as a drum--as free as the air; As heavy as lead--as light as a feather; As steady as time--uncertain as weather; As hot as an oven--as cold as a frog; As gay as a lark--as sick as a dog; As slow as the tortoise--as swift as the wind; As true as the Gospel--as false as mankind; As thin as a herring--as fat as a pig; As proud as a peacock--as blithe as a grig; As savage as tigers--as mild as a dove; As stiff as a poker--as limp as a glove; As blind as a bat--as deaf as a post; As cool as a cucumber--as warm as a toast; As flat as a flounder--as round as a ball; As blunt as a hammer--as sharp as an awl; As red as a ferret--as safe as the stocks; As bold as a thief--as sly as a fox; As straight as an arrow--as crook'd as a bow; As yellow as saffron--as black as a sloe; As brittle as glass--as tough as gristle; As neat as my nail--as clean as a whistle; As good as a feast--as had as a witch; As light as is day--as dark as is pitch; As brisk as a bee--as dull as an ass; As full as a tick--as solid as brass.
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Why they came down is to me all a riddle, And left Hallelujah broke off in the middle: Jove's Court, and the Presence angelical, cut-- To eke out the work of a lazy young slut.
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If they were not, I have no doubt But some reforming ass Would recommend to take them down And light the world with gas.
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120 Kiss in the Rain, A 123 |Pelham, M.| Comical Girl, The 946 |Perry, Nora| Love Knot, The 124 |Philips, Barclay| Polka Lyric, A 832 |Philips, John| Splendid Shilling, The 316 |Piggot, Mostyn T.| Hundred Best Books, The 769 |Planché, J. R.| Song 99 |Pontalais, Jehan Du| Money 323 |Pope, Alexander| Fool and the Poet, The 363 Ruling Passion, The 285 To a Blockhead 362 |Porson, Richard| Dido 366 Nothing 786 |Porter, H. H.| Forty Years After 210 |Praed, Winthrop Mackworth| Belle of the Ball, The 171 Song of Impossibilities, A 327 |Pratt, Florence E.| Courting in Kentucky 168 |Prior, Matthew| Epitaph, An 765 Phillis's Age 332 Remedy Worse Than the Disease, A 365 Simile, A 262 |Proudfit, David Law| Prehistoric Smith 83 |Prout, Father| Malbrouck 28 Sabine Farmer's Serenade, The 214 |Ramal, Walter| Bunches of Grapes 947 |Rands, W. B.| Clean Clara 283 |Riley, James Whitcomb| Little Orphant Annie 934 Lugubrious Whing-Whang, The 858 Man in the Moon, The 856 Old Man and Jim, The 678 Prior to Miss Belle's Appearance 925 Spirk Throll-Derisive 855 When the Frost Is on the Punkin 34 |Robertson, Harrison| Kentucky Philosophy 325 |Robinson, Edwin Arlington| Miniver Cheevy 229 Two Men 35 |Roche, James Jeffrey| Boston Lullaby, A 240 Lament of the Scotch Irish Exile 385 Sailor's Yarn, A 680 V-A-S-E, The 227 |Rodger, Alexander| Behave Yoursel' Before Folk 174 |Romaine, Harry| Unattainable, The 141 |Ropes, Arthur Reed| Lost Pleiad, The 161 |Russell, Irwin| First Banjo, The 672 |Sancta-Clara, á Abraham| St. Anthony's Sermon to the Fishes 251 |Saxe, John G.| Comic Miseries 42 Early Rising 44 Echo 750 Rhyme of the Rail 748 Sonnet to a Clam 734 Woman's Will 362 |Sawyer, William| "Caudal" Lecture, A 92 Cremation 534 Turvey Top 884 |Scollard, Clinton| Ballade of the Golfer in Love 222 Noureddin, the Son of the Shah 199 |Scott, Sir Walter| Herring, The 949 Nora's Vow 159 |Seaman, Owen| At the Sign of the Cock 414 Of Baiting the Lion 893 Plea for Trigamy, A 68 Presto Furioso 417 To Julia in Shooting Togs 418 |Sheridan, Richard Brinsley| Literary Lady, The 278 Wife, A 366 |Shults, George Francis| Under the Mistletoe 196 |Sibley, Charles| Plaidie, The 190 |Sidney, James A.| Irish Schoolmaster, The 103 |Sims, George R.| By Parcels Post 262 |Smith, Harry B.| "I Didn't Like Him" 157 My Angeline 158 Same Old Story 360 |Smith, Horace| Gouty Merchant and the Stranger, The 563 Jester Condemned to Death, The 378 |Smith, James| Baby's Début, The 390 Surnames 804 |Smith, Sydney| Salad 93 |Southey, Robert| Battle of Blenheim, The 252 Cataract of Lodore, The 743 Devil's Walk on Earth, The 298 March to Moscow, The 775 Pig, The 914 Well of St. Keyne, The 584 |Stanton, Frank Libby| How to Eat Watermelons 73 |Stephen, James Kenneth| Cynicus to W. Shakespeare 362 Last Ride Together, The 431 Millennium, The 60 School 60 Senex to Matt.
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Samuel| On Butler's Monument 370 |Witcher, Frances M.| K. K.--Can't Calculate 353 Widow Bedott to Elder Sniffles 195 |White, Harriet R.| Uffia 877 |Whittier, John Greenleaf| Skipper Ireson's Ride 688 |Wilcox, Ella Wheeler| Pin, A 132 |Wildgoose, Oscuro| More Impressions 509 |Wilkie, A. C.| Old Song By New Singers, An 506 |Willis, N. P.| Declaration, The 446 |Willson, Arabella| Appeal for Are to the Sextant of the Old Brick Meetinouse, A 66 |Wolcot, John| Actor, The 287 Pilgrims and the Peas, The 621 Razor Seller, The 297 To a Fly 734 |Yates, Edmund| All-Saints 280 |Ybarra, Thomas R.| Lay of Ancient Rome 753 Little Swirl of Vers Libre, A 380 Ode to Work in Springtime 47 |Yriarte, Tomaso de| Musical Ass, The 249 INDEX OF FIRST LINES |page| A brace of sinners, for no good 621 A brow austere, a circumspective eye 280 A captain bold from Halifax who dwelt in country quarters 702 A cat I sing, of famous memory 833 A country curate visiting his flock 287 A district school, not far away 128 A fellow in a market town 297 A fellow near Kentuck's clime 494 A fig for St. Denis of France 101 A friend of mine was married to a scold 264 A hindoo died--a happy thing to do 281 A knight and a lady once met in a grove 270 A little peach in the orchard grew 931 A little saint best fits a little shrine 806 A lively young turtle lived down by the banks 923 A lovely young lady I mourn in my rhymes 366 A maiden once, of certain age 169 A man of words and not of deeds 790 A man said to the universe 248 A man sat on a rock and sought 83 A Persian penman named Aziz 810 A Poet's Cat, sedate and grave 910 A quiet home had Parson Gray 741 A rollicking Mastodon lived in Spain 853 A Russian sailed over the blue Black Sea 374 A shabby fellow chanced one day to meet 287 A soldier and a sailor 179 A soldier of the Russians 90 A speech, both pithy and concise 61 A street there is in Paris famous 714 A supercilious nabob of the East 260 A tailor, a man of an upright dealing 322 A traveller wended the wilds among 576 A well there is in the west country 584 A whale of great porosity 916 A woman is like to--but stay 118 A xylographer started to cross the sea 759 A young man once was sitting 394 Across the sands of Syria 888 Ah!
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130 Why doth the pussy cat prefer 895 Why is it the children don't love me 943 Why should you swear I am forsworn 241 Why was Cupid a boy 56 Wisely a woman prefers to a lover a man who neglects her 247 With chocolate-cream that you buy in the cake 932 With due condescension, I'd call your attention 106 With ganial foire 547 Wynken, Blynken, and Nod one night 928 Ye may tramp the world over 717 Years--years ago--ere yet my dreams 171 Yes, write if you want to--there's nothing like trying 36 Yet another great truth I record in my verse 906 "You are old, Father William," the young man said 485 "You are old, Father William," the young man said 531 You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come 362 You bid me try, Blue-eyes, to write 782 "You gave me the key of your heart, my love 137 "You have heard," said a youth to his sweetheart, who stood 133 You may notch it on the palin's as a mighty resky plan 312 "You must give back," her mother said 198 You prefer a buffoon to a scholar 339 You see this pebble-stone?
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S. Gilbert_ 376 Millennuim, The _Robert Browning_ 60 Minguillo's Kiss _Unknown_ 122 Miniver Cheevy _Edward Arlington Robinson_ 229 Misadventures at Margate _Richard Harris Barham_ (_Thomas Ingoldsby_) 558 Mis' Smith _Albert Bigelow Paine_ 119 Modern Hiawatha, The _Unknown_ 482 Modest Wit, A _Selleck Osborn_ 260 "Mona Lisa" _John Kendrick Bangs_ 95 Money _Jehan du Pontalais_ 323 More Impressions _Oscuro Wildgoose_ 509 More Walks _Richard Harris Barham_ (_Thomas Ingoldsby_) 950 Mr. Finney's Turnip _Unknown_ 847 Mrs. Smith _Frederick Locker-Lampson_ 155 Musical Ass, The _Tomaso de Yriarte_ 249 My Angeline _Harry B. Smith_ 158 My Aunt's Spectre _Mortimer Collins_ 600 My Dream _Unknown_ 853 My Feet _Gelett Burgess_ 855 My Foe _Unknown_ 529 My Love and My Heart _Henry S. Leigh_ 204 My Madeline _Walter Parke_ 773 My Mistress's Boots _Frederick Locker-Lampson_ 153 N Naughty Darkey Boy, The _Unknown_ 927 Nemesis _J.
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S. Gilbert_ 641 Strictly Germ-Proof _Arthur Guiterman_ 87 Strike Among the Poets, A _Unknown_ 785 Study of an Elevation, in Indian Ink _Rudyard Kipling_ 226 Styx River Anthology _Carolyn Wells_ 521 Surnames _James Smith_ 804 Susan _Frederick Locker-Lampson_ 157 Susan Simpson _Unknown_ 774 Sympathy _Reginald Heber_ 270 T Takings _Thomas Hood, Jr._ 817 Tam o' Shanter _Robert Burns_ 623 Ternary of Littles, Upon a Pipkin of Jelly Sent to a Lady, A _Robert Herrick_ 806 Terrible Infant, A _Frederick Locker-Lampson_ 156 'Tis Midnight _Unknown_ 843 'Tis Sweet to Roam _Unknown_ 878 That Gentle Man from Boston Town _Joaquin Miller_ 629 That Texan Cattle Man _Joaquin Miller_ 288 Thingumbob, The _Unknown_ 882 Then Ag'in _Sam Walter Foss_ 357 "There's a Bower of Bean-vines" _Ph[oe]be Cary_ 493 There Was a Little Girl _Unknown_ 926 Third Proposition, The _Madeline Bridges_ 345 Thought, A _James Kenneth Stephen_ 248 Three Black Crows, The _John Byrom_ 254 Three Children _Unknown_ 843 Three Jovial Huntsmen _Unknown_ 878 Thursday _Frederick E. Weatherly_ 313 Tim Turpin _Thomas Hood_ 795 To a Blockhead _Alexander Pope_ 362 To a Capricious Friend _Joseph Addison_ 368 To a Fly _John Wolcot_ 734 To an Importunate Host _Unknown_ 534 To a Slow Walker and Quick Eater _Lessing_ 369 To a Thesaurus _Franklin P. Adams_ 825 To Be or Not To Be _Unknown_ 891 To Doctor Empiric _Ben Jonson_ 365 To Julia in Shooting Togs _Owen Seaman_ 418 To Marie _John Bennett_ 852 To Minerva _Thomas Hood_ 49 To My Empty Purse _Geoffrey Chaucer_ 58 To My Nose _Alfred A. Forrester_ (_Alfred Croquill_) 832 Too Late _Fitz Hugh Ludlow_ 348 To Ph[oe]be _W.